Tag Archives: love

“I do.” — Do you?

Weddings, picture perfect smiles, magazine cover poses, beautiful bride, the handsome groom.  It’s that moment when you, the guest and the groom, held your breaths as you take your first glimpse of the bride.  That has always been the limelight of the traditional wedding we’ve all known.  And then here comes the wedding vows.

This is just my perspective of one of the most awaited and celebrated day in a woman’s life.  The one that I have been a living, (barely) breathing exemplification, but a bride.  I’m not saying that every woman/bride feels the same way I do but to those who share my sentiments, well, I can’t say anything more.

I have learned that “I do” means so many things, after the hustle and bustle of the wedding hype.  (OK, my wedding hype to be specific).

  1. “I do.”  –  For me, means that more than accepting the “other” person for who he/she really is goes a little deeper than that.  It is “I do” know that we’ve been raised differently and that it means we may have many things in common but we have way more differences which will kind of tick us both in the long run.  Which could mean misunderstandings, sometimes bemusement or amusement or it could even be complete chaos.
  2. “I do.” –  for the better part of it, when these two powerful words are spoken, should mean that “I do” know that a partner means one that is united in undertaking something.  Professionally defined, maybe, but getting married really is a partnership.  So if one is in deep sh** or excuse the word, deep trouble, who should be there to pick one up and help clean up?  Any other answers?  It’s the vow that the priest uttered and we lovingly agreed 100 percent that comes into play.
  3. “I do.” –  means that there should come a time when you no longer have the fight to your right.  I mean, as simple as bending your self-proclaimed rules to consider another person that is your partner, remember?  One cannot decide on their own anymore.  Consider, consider, consider.  Wait…that is without remorse, ok?  When you say yes, you should mean yes, and not a yes-but-this, or yes-for-now-but….or you get my point.
  4. “I do.” – should mean, that you know the definition of “compromise” by heart and that you can never use this against your partner as a point in an argument nor as a treachery or worse, black-mail.  Or you have never ever learned the meaning in itself, or so it seems.
  5. “I do.” – is more than anything, affection with no limits or conditions.  Complete love.  OK, I’ll say it, unconditional love.  And I rest my case here.

So why am I even writing this?  Like what I said, I am but a living proof of someone who got on my surf board and caught the waves without training or even just a pep talk to keep me afloat.  But, I was just also a beginner, who’s wanting so much to ride the tide high and learn on my own, without giving up the fight.  I can’t say for sure if these feelings are in some way mutual with the groom’s because I was just a bride….twice.  And that’s another story.

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The Bullied Kid

He didn’t want to come inside the house he said. He was scared and crying. He didn’t mean it to happen, he said. It wasn’t his fault. He was shaking like a leaf. This tiny, skinny, 9-year old boy, too small and skinny for his age. He sat just outside the front door. His head bent down while sniffing and holding on to his school uniform tightly, his knuckles white. Everyone was surrounding him now, asking, shouting, and I stood there held him by the chin and looked at his face.

My heart-ached. I just don’t know what to say. I took a deep breath, and asked what happened? I shouldn’t have. I should have known. Black and blue, swollen pair of eyes stared back at me and he cried. He’s got a big bump on the left side of his temple. I should have known. I said, “Come inside and we’ll look at you in a brighter light.” He followed. My step was heavy. My heart bled. It was as if I was holding my breath for the longest time that when I let go, tears would go with it. But this is not the time to be weak. I have to be strong for the bullied kid, my only son.

We had to go. He has to feel important and supported now. It doesn’t matter what time it was but we had to go see the doctor. He timidly and patiently follow doctors instructions. Hell, he answered all questions which I felt made him want to stop everyone from asking and just be left alone for a moment. He was brave. Out of nowhere he asked, “Mom, do you think I can forgive Diaz?” I don’t know what to say. Without waiting for my response, he said, “I saw a saying on grandma’s Facebook wall that weak people revenge, strong people forgive and intelligent people ignore. What do you think I am?”

I looked at him lovingly, not really knowing what to say. “Maybe not now. You may not forgive Diaz now because you’re still feeling the pain. But you would have to decide what kind of person you are.” Calmly and knowingly he said, “I will be an intelligent person for now. I will be ignoring him for now.”

I can’t believe this happened to me or to my kid. It was a painstaking decision for me to enroll him in “just” some school. I had a lump in my throat from keeping myself from crying. He is different. He is special. He is so small and tiny and innocent on the hospital bed. I should have known. He could not have experienced this if I had a better judgement. In truth, I cannot blame no one but me. For this would never have taken place if I was a better mom.

This was 3 months ago. I am stronger and more determined to give the best to my kids. He came home smiling one day. In tow were 4 boys…oh so much bigger than him. Heavy on the weight and much bulkier. He introduced his new found friends. First time he ever said “Friends” in all his years in elementary school. He said he loved the teachers, his classmates even the school guard and most of all he loves the new school because, he is not a bullied kid any more.

I knew I won the battle. Not the court battle I know I can’t win. But the battle inside me knowing that I made the right decision for my son’s welfare. I knew I won his heart and trust and he won far more than me, and he is continuously winning everyday. As I see his face lit up when he talks about school. I won because I know he will be okay.

No regrets…just saying

It could just very well be a time in your life where you are at your lowest, this could just be why i’m writing today. This is me, venting out. The clock says 2:48 AM. I should be sleeping or getting ready to cuddle with you but no. Not tonight. Not the past few nights too. I’m sorry if i seem so lost and always forlorn, but that’s exactly how i’m feeling. 

The past few days…no, months actually has been full of what if’s and why not’s. Again, i’m sorry that i’ve been questioning what we have for the past 5 years in my mind. Arguing with myself, discussing things with myself. I know that maybe it’s because we’re so down financially nowadays, that’s why these thoughts never leave. Issues, financially related, always derail my thoughts. How could i let this happen? Why am I in this circumstance? I was trying to get out of the same sh#t i was in eons ago but hey! here i go again. it must be me. 

Money matter is a very big chunk of everything. i don’t like to think so, but i feel so. Worst part of the picture is i can no longer talk to you. I can no longer comfort you nor you to me. We can’t seem to start a conversation without hurting the other. Without feeling the blame. How can we go on? We start to be insensitive of each others emotions. 

No one knows when this ordeal will be over, but i’d like to think we can somehow talk like a matured couple. Let’s conquer this. Let’s talk. 

The truth about failing relationships

Disclaimer: Everything that you’re about to read is based on my own personal perspective and  experiences. Some may look like I’m talking about you or you may think that i heard your story from someone one way or another but this is not always about you…this is about me! 

The truth about failing relationships or should i write, the truth about MY failed relationships are a typical breed. First, I don’t believe in the saying “what you don’t know won’t hurt you”, baloney! In my past relationship which ended about 5 years ago, that’s the mantra “he” used to follow. Didn’t even occur to him that the hills have eyes, gossips spread like wild flower and that news can reach me at the fastest speed he can ever imagine…gets home before he does! Next is the part wherein the gossiped person denies with all his might whatever story the wind has blown to the front door. So there, the most essential part of a relationship has been broken, Trust. Irreparable, irreplaceable and hard earned trust. Now everything else seems so little compared to a broken trust, correct? Hell, yeah! But, I bet you’ll agree with me when I say there are more than 1 “second chances”. It can go up to as many as “forever second chances”, because at some point we also question our own worth in a relationship. Then we go to the second on my list why my past relationship failed. Silence. Keeping your mouth shut, i found out, is never a good thing especially when you wanted so bad to say something and you just stood there and say nothing? Yes, it’s true in my case too that nagging is a no no. I can only understand why the recipient of the most hurting words can just put up a wall and be still like a statue as if you’re not even there. Hello? How are we supposed to end a fight without talking? But the true sense of what i’m trying to drive at is, what if the hurting words are over? what if I wanted to say I’m sorry? or what if I wanted to really take back every hurtful word I’ve said and just ask you to forgive me and to start over, this time without the spite? I learned that I have to say it out loud or else things will be out of hand. Third is the press release “you’re forgiven” but deep inside, “i’m-gonna-let-this-go-now-but-you’ll-never-hear-the-end-of-this” thought lingering. This is the part where “let’s not bring the past time anymore” song lyrics is playing on my mind. Bringing the past can never ever ever help in a relationship, but like what i used to say, there will never be a past to bring up if we fixed it at that moment. True? Absolutely!!!  Then last but not the least, honesty. Most often than not, we tend to forget that we have a partner for a reason. Now, keeping all problems to yourself is not healthy. May it be financial, emotional or spiritual. I learned that no matter how deep the problem may be, if you have someone, things may not be so bad. So there, i summed up all reasons I can think of why my past relationship failed. I am on a journey again, I can’t say I’m perfect. Who knows, some of these things are happening all over again, but now i’m confident that I can say, it’s just going to be a breeze. Next time, I might just be talking about the truth about successful relationships.